Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Well, the gym kicked my butt again.

But no surprise there. And hey, isn't that a good thing?

Today my gym class teacher actually decided to show up! Hurray! Our "goal" today: walk or jog 20 laps around the indoor track. (And just as an FYI, one lap around the indoor track is about 1/10 of a mile.) I was seriously like 'Dude... what the HELL?! I am PAYING you to instruct me to do things I already do ON MY OWN?' But I managed to bite my tongue, walk the first five laps, jog the next five laps, and finish off with one lap walking, two laps jogging until I was finished. I figured it would be a good warm-up for the rest of my gym-time. I finished fairly quickly in comparison to the rest of my class, but as I was leaving my instructor asked me "Was that a hard work-out at all?" She gave me this look that, if translated into words, would've said 'You obviously skipped a few laps; look at you, you're one of the chunkiest people here.'

I responded by shrugging, commented on how just maybe that could be because I was one of the few actually attempting to JOG, and then returned to the main part of the gym. I proceeded to do 40 minutes on the elliptical (5 minute cool-down) and 15 minutes on the indoor rowing machine. So fuck you, bitchy gym teacher. If you want to kick peoples' asses with your workouts, you should consider showing up more and stepping it up a couple notches. I'd look forward to the challenge.

On that note, I kind of feel like posting one of the first 'aha!' moments I ever had in regards to my weight. This wasn't the ultimate 'aha!' moment, but it's still impacting my life today so I figured if I talked (typed?) about it I might feel better and be able to come to terms with it.

I'm pretty sure this happened in the eighth grade, although I could be wrong. Whatever. SOMETIME in middle school I was standing by my open locker messing with my books and just generally derping around. It was after-school and no one else was around except a few people every now and then heading down my hallway in order to get to the exit. As I as packing up my things and standing up to close my locker, a guy and a girl walk by. As they're passing by I hear the guy say "Man, do we have a lot of ugly girls in this school! And fat!" The girl responds with "Aw, don't be mean," and then they leave. While I stand there, completely dumbstruck for about five minutes until it registers that it feels like my heart just turned to glass and shattered everywhere.

To this day it still doesn't matter that I've lost a lot of weight since that terrible moment. Even when I'm making progress, just remembering the little things like these can bring me down. It doesn't matter what I see in the mirror--I'm just going to be fat and ugly all of my life, so why bother with anything?

It's thoughts like these I need to get rid of. Preferably soon, and preferably forever. I don't know why I randomly remembered this particular moment today, but typing about it seemed to make it feel so far behind me. I needed that.

And if I EVER see that guy again, I am personally going to drop-kick him in the nuts.


  1. 1. That is the lamest work-out class I have ever heard of.

    2. People are so cruel. It meant NOTHING to that kid when he said that. And it means everything to you. It is so hard to build confidence in yourself, if you just hear that in your head over and over. But you WILL overcome it. I know you will! Think about how beautiful your fiancé thinks you are, right there, that high school boy is proven wrong! :)

    (and, I can see in your tiny profile picture that you are as far from ugly as possible :-))

  2. i stopped by to tell you i awarded you a beautiful blogger award! check out my post!

  3. Oh, I have one of those moments too. It happened in high school - some guy commented on my large ass while I was walking in the hallway. I've never forgotten that - I was SO embarrassed. *sigh*

  4. Oh, I had one of those too. It was after the birth of my son. I was a waitress, and I had a regular couple that always came in and were so nice to me. But one day, I was walking away to get them something, and when I turned back to ask them a question, the guy was mocking my walk and making gestures like I was really fat and lumbering. Broke my heart. But honestly, really, and truly, it's what on the inside that counts. That guy was a turd, a thin and lean turd, but a turd nonetheless!

    Keep up the great work!