Hey guys!

Just wanted to say I'm still keepin' on, and I'll check in with y'all again this weekend after I have my encounter with the scale.

Holy crap was this a surprisingly busy week.

Well, the gym kicked my butt again.

But no surprise there. And hey, isn't that a good thing?

Today my gym class teacher actually decided to show up! Hurray! Our "goal" today: walk or jog 20 laps around the indoor track. (And just as an FYI, one lap around the indoor track is about 1/10 of a mile.) I was seriously like 'Dude... what the HELL?! I am PAYING you to instruct me to do things I already do ON MY OWN?' But I managed to bite my tongue, walk the first five laps, jog the next five laps, and finish off with one lap walking, two laps jogging until I was finished. I figured it would be a good warm-up for the rest of my gym-time. I finished fairly quickly in comparison to the rest of my class, but as I was leaving my instructor asked me "Was that a hard work-out at all?" She gave me this look that, if translated into words, would've said 'You obviously skipped a few laps; look at you, you're one of the chunkiest people here.'

I responded by shrugging, commented on how just maybe that could be because I was one of the few actually attempting to JOG, and then returned to the main part of the gym. I proceeded to do 40 minutes on the elliptical (5 minute cool-down) and 15 minutes on the indoor rowing machine. So fuck you, bitchy gym teacher. If you want to kick peoples' asses with your workouts, you should consider showing up more and stepping it up a couple notches. I'd look forward to the challenge.

On that note, I kind of feel like posting one of the first 'aha!' moments I ever had in regards to my weight. This wasn't the ultimate 'aha!' moment, but it's still impacting my life today so I figured if I talked (typed?) about it I might feel better and be able to come to terms with it.

I'm pretty sure this happened in the eighth grade, although I could be wrong. Whatever. SOMETIME in middle school I was standing by my open locker messing with my books and just generally derping around. It was after-school and no one else was around except a few people every now and then heading down my hallway in order to get to the exit. As I as packing up my things and standing up to close my locker, a guy and a girl walk by. As they're passing by I hear the guy say "Man, do we have a lot of ugly girls in this school! And fat!" The girl responds with "Aw, don't be mean," and then they leave. While I stand there, completely dumbstruck for about five minutes until it registers that it feels like my heart just turned to glass and shattered everywhere.

To this day it still doesn't matter that I've lost a lot of weight since that terrible moment. Even when I'm making progress, just remembering the little things like these can bring me down. It doesn't matter what I see in the mirror--I'm just going to be fat and ugly all of my life, so why bother with anything?

It's thoughts like these I need to get rid of. Preferably soon, and preferably forever. I don't know why I randomly remembered this particular moment today, but typing about it seemed to make it feel so far behind me. I needed that.

And if I EVER see that guy again, I am personally going to drop-kick him in the nuts.

TGIT?

I intended to post last night, but for some reason I seem to lose all of my energy on Monday nights. I'm fine during the day, but after kicking my own butt in the gym last night I was exhausted by 10PM. Now, I try to kick my own butt at the gym every time I go, but for some reason every Monday night when I leave the gym I suddenly feel especially tired. Like, "oh my god if I don't power-walk back to my dorm right now I'm going to fall over and sleep right here on the Quad." It's really strange, particularly since I never feel this way during the rest of the week. Maybe I should try amping up my exercise on Sundays? That's my "day off" (although I walk as much as possible), and I thought it would boost my energy for Monday but as of now that seems to be having the opposite effect. I really wish I could work out in the morning, but due to my work/class schedule for this semester and the upcoming spring semester I just don't see that happening any time soon. Grrr.

Oh, and I also experimented with eating after my workout last night--not much, just a green apple and a nutri-grain bar, and still under my daily calorie allowance--and I felt loads better! Normally I don't eat after I work out, and by 11PM-1AM when I'm trying to go to sleep I feel like my stomach is a giant, empty abyss.

I'm going to try and post again tonight after I get back from the gym since hopefully I'll be a bit more peppy (as compared to last night, hehe). To all my new followers; thank you so much for your interest/support! I was so excited to log on yesterday afternoon and see all of you that I almost squeaked out-loud at work. I can only hope that I'll be as helpful and supportive to all of you as you already are to me. :)

It's strange...

...how after just a little over a week of eating better my body already feels more at peace with itself. My energy level is beginning to pick up, my clothes fit a tiny bit better, and I don't have to worry about feeling guilty due to over-eating. The only problems I've been having are occasional intense hunger pains that spring up when I'm trying to fall asleep at night and a spontaneous craving every now and then.

I wish it could stay this easy, but from experience I know it only gets harder as time goes on. I'm determined this time, however.

Well, tomorrow starts another week of work, gym class, post-gym class workouts, and trying to be good in the dining hall. Let's hope this week goes as well as the last so that by the time I weigh in this upcoming Saturday/Sunday I'll still be on the right track.

Facing the scale.

Ok, so not having a scale in my dorm-room was probably a bad idea to start the year off with. As much as I fear seeing the number that pops up on that tiny, menacing screen... I'm actually quite curious to see if my efforts of this past week have paid off or not. Not having a starting point to work off of was a fail, fail idea on my part.

So next week on the 15th when I go home for weekend, I'm retrieving my scale and bringing it back to the dorm room. Where I will hide it from my potentially-skeptical room-mate when she gets back in late January I still don't know, but I'll face that obstacle when I get there.

On that note, I am learning how to navigate the dining hall (aka 'the great buffet of the most unhealthy foods and portions you could ever dream of') with greater ease. When I'm by myself it gets even easier since I can typically stick with things like cheerios, salads, whatever soup is offered that night (but only if it's broth-based, not cream-based), and a green apple with a smidgen of peanut butter for dessert. When I'm with other people, though, there's the pressure to stuff my face like everyone else. I've been really good about that so far, though. So far. When EVERYONE comes back for the spring semester I'm going to have to work even harder.

Went out mall-browsing this afternoon with my honey-sama; all that walking is going to have to count as my exercise for the day. We ate at P.F. Chang's, and it was actually pretty easy to eat well there calorie-wise. I stuck with steamed vegetable dumplings and a cup of brown rice as my entree. Yay me! Also, I didn't succumb to any of the dreaded mall temptations like Cinnabon and Auntie Anne's.

On a slightly unrelated note, I also got my hair cut finally. (:D) All in all, it was a productive day.

Ok, let's do this.

I never thought the day would come when I started my own weight loss blog, but here I am. It's the beginning of 2010 and I figured I might as well add something new to my typical weight loss regime, and this I have yet to try. I'm crossing my fingers because I *really* want this to work out for me. I've been reading weight loss blogs for going on two years now, and they are by far the best inspiration I can find.

Something about myself before I really delve into this;
I am 19 years old (20 in March!) and have been struggling with my weight for what feels like a decade. Granted, I'm always on the lower end of the overweight margin on BMI charts, but I've always been bothered by being on the 'heavy side' and worried that it would only get worse as I get older. It is getting harder and harder to eat better and exercise properly in college, and I need to make myself accountable for my choices and my weight. I need to kick this in the butt, and I need to do it NOW before it only gets harder! (And I have much further to go...)

Throughout my life I have hardcore-dieted and gotten to my target weight fairly quickly only to fail spectacularly at maintenance and go right back to my original weight... and sometimes even more. That being said, I honestly couldn't tell you how much I weigh today. At 5 feet 8 inches tall I've fluctuated between 150-190 pounds my entire life, and lately I've been feeling like I'm pretty damn near the top of that scale, if not beyond it.

So, starting today (well, actually starting December 31st, 2009), I have made a promise with myself that I am going to do better.

And with this blog as my accountability partner, I'm going to.